Month: June 2017

MOMBIAN LGBTQ parents: Resistance, persistence, pride

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LGBT Trump

This wasn’t the Pride Month I was looking forward to.

I hoped we would be celebrating gains built on marriage equality, not battling to stop religious-exemption laws that could exclude us from parenting and limit homes for children who need them. I hoped we would be celebrating a growing understanding of transgender people, not trying to stop the same kind of bathroom bills for which North Carolina has been widely criticized. I hoped we wouldn’t still have to fight for the right of both same-sex parents to be on our children’s birth certificates.

Given the anti-LGBTQ climate that has been nourished by the Trump administration and its supporters, though, this Pride is more necessary than ever, even if it isn’t the one we may have wanted. Pride has always been both protest and celebration, and that remains as true as ever.

As LGBTQ parents, we are not new to resistance. We have resisted when people tried to prevent us from becoming parents because we are queer. When they tried to take away our children because we are queer. When former partners and spouses tried to deny our parental rights. When our children have been bullied or harassed in school.

As these examples show, LGBTQ parents—and our children—are continuing to resist and persist.

Take Massachusetts fifth-grader Marina Osit, who has two moms. She recently noticed her classmates using “gay” as a slur, and decided to start a campaign to change this. She “has raised more than $800 to purchase pins for her classmates that say, ‘Gay does not mean stupid,’” reported the Greenfield Recorder ( May 19, 2017 ).

Some persist with lawsuits. Eight same-sex couples in Indiana are fighting to have both parents’ names on their children’s birth certificates. They filed their case in 2015, and a federal district court sided with them, but the state appealed the decision. In May, they had their case heard by a three-judge panel of the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals, where one judge, Diane Sykes, insisted, “You can’t overcome biology. If the state defines parenthood by virtue of biology, no argument under the Equal Protection Clause or the substantive due process clause can overcome that.” The couples’ lawyer, Karen Celestino-Horseman, disagreed, saying, “We maintain that parenthood is no longer defined by biology,” and arguing that if a child is born to a same-sex married couple, both should be presumed to be the parents, just as for different-sex couples.

And in April, three same-sex couples in Nebraska won a case they had brought way back in 2013 against the state’s ban on “homosexuals” becoming foster parents. With this ruling of the Nebraska Supreme Court, gay men and lesbians can now be treated equally in foster care placements in all 50 states.

Justice John Wright, who wrote the ruling, pulled no punches, saying that the “published statement on DHHS’ official website that ‘heterosexuals only’ need apply to be foster parents” was “legally indistinguishable from a sign reading ‘Whites Only’ on the hiring-office door.”

At the same time, so-called “religious freedom” laws in several states already allow child-placement agencies to discriminate against LGBTQ prospective parents and others if serving them conflicts with the agencies’ religious beliefs or moral convictions. Michigan, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Virginia already have such laws in place; Alabama and Oklahoma are considering them; and one in Texas is sitting on the governor’s desk as of this writing.

Nevertheless, Family Equality Council and PFLAG are leading the charge in supporting a federal bill that provides a counter to this legislation. The Every Child Deserves a Family Act, sponsored by Rep. John Lewis ( D-Georgia ) and Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen ( R-Florida ), would restrict federal funding for states that discriminate in adoption and foster care placements based on the sexual orientation, gender identity or marital status of prospective parents, or on the sexual orientation or gender identity of youth in care. The bill has just been introduced in the House for the fifth Congress in a row. In a Republican-led Congress, its chances may be slim ( despite Ros-Lehtinen’s support ), but it offers the opportunity to raise awareness by talking up the issue on Capitol Hill.

By Dana Rudolph, June 6, 2017 – Windy City Media Group

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The post MOMBIAN LGBTQ parents: Resistance, persistence, pride appeared first on Time For Families.


Source: Time for Families

10 Things You Shouldn’t Ask Lesbian Moms

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lesbain moms

You may think your question is innocent enough, but here’s why these inquiries are insensitive toward lesbian moms.

When my partner and I started telling our friends and families that we were going to have a baby, everyone was happy and excited for us. We were the only same-sex couple in our extended family and in our immediate circle of friends, as is often the case with gay people, so everyone had a lot of questions. Although people asked really insightful and thoughtful questions about our future family, we also heard some that left us scratching our heads. Here are the 10 questions, on behalf of all lesbian moms, I hope I never have to answer again, and the reasons why.

1. Which one of you is the mother?

We both are! Lesbain moms are both parents and we’re both women, so we’re both mothers; more than that, we’re both equally responsible for our child’s well-being, safety, and education.gay parents adoption, lesbian moms

In our case, my partner and I were together for four years before we had our son. We wanted to have a baby together. Together we dreamed about what our baby would look like, how we wanted to raise him, and what we hoped to teach him. We were both in the room the day he was born, we both signed his birth certificate, and we’re both committed to him for the rest of our lives.

2. Who’s the biological mother?

This is a slightly different question and, in a way, it’s correct and clinical. But don’t ask about a biological mother because she may not be in the family. The child may have been adopted, or one of the mothers may have carried the baby while the other contributed the egg.

The question is also off-limits because it can imply some quality of mothering: that the mother who gave birth is more of a mother. When our son was 6 months old, I went to a new physician for my annual exam. At the time, my partner was staying home with our son while I worked full-time. I did the night shift to give her a break, which meant I’d wake up with the baby every few hours. I told the doctor I’d been very tired and I felt like the exhaustion was affecting the quality of the time I was spending with my son. She asked me if I’d given birth to him and when I said no, she nodded knowingly. She implied that I just felt disengaged because I wasn’t bonding with my son as much as my partner. I mentally tore up her entire exam room, Godzilla-style. You may have the best intentions asking this question, but please understand why a nonbiological mother might feel a little bit defensive about answering it.

3. Where did you get the sperm?

Obviously, no lesbian couple is delusional enough to think that people assume they made a baby together. If there was a pregnancy in the family, most certainly sperm was involved and it didn’t come from one of the mothers. But even if you know the couple very well, this question is still a touchy subject. Maybe the sperm is from someone you also know or maybe it just feels too weird to name the sperm bank, but mostly, it’s nobody’s business.

4. Is the dad in your child’s life?

Well, simply put, there is no dad. A dad is a parent, someone who’s as worn out as us from pretending to be Team Umizoomi characters for hours on end (at the moment, my partner and I are under strict instructions to refer to each other as Bot and Geo). If a male friend used a sperm donor because he couldn’t have children biologically, we wouldn’t ask him or his wife if “the dad” were involved. We’d be clear on who the dad is. I think it’s the same for lesbian couples: We make a strict distinction between a parent and a donor.

5. What do you know about the sperm donor?

Unless the parents initiate telling you details about the donor, don’t ask this question. Nothing matters about the donor. You have to trust that the parents have checked his health history and whatever else is important to them. The answer to this question will never be, “Well, he’s of average intelligence, he said his biggest hobby is napping, and he donates sperm for pocket money.” Choosing a sperm donor was the most nerve-racking, weird, incongruous, depressing, exhilarating, and hope-filled decision we ever made. Sperm donors are tested for diseases and genetic conditions, and because he won’t be a parent, his hobbies, weight, and employment status don’t matter. We’ve chosen not to share details about the donor with anyone until our son knows those details himself. It’s his private information.

More Off-Limits Questions

6. Isn’t your child confused about what to call you?

This is actually a good question, but there’s a better way to ask it. How about, “What does he call each mom?” When our son was born, we couldn’t decide what we wanted to be called. We really didn’t know if it was feasible to wait until he was old enough to pick his own names for us. But one day he started calling me “Meme” and my partner “Mama.” These were his names for us, and he chose them with no input (believe me, I would’ve picked something hipper than Meme.) He’s never confused because the concept of having two moms hasn’t even entered his mind yet. He sees us as two different parents: one Mama and one Meme.

7. Doesn’t your child miss out on doing “dad” things, like playing ball and using tools?

We try to expose our son to as many things as we can, which includes activities that are stereotypically male, but our son sets the direction of his interests. We don’t make him play with the toys we loved as kids (and I don’t open the back door and tell him to “come back when the streetlights come on,” like my mother did). He asks to watch construction site videos on YouTube. He loves trains, so we’ve all learned the names of every train on the Island of Sodor — every single one.

By L.A. Pintea – Parents.com

The post 10 Things You Shouldn’t Ask Lesbian Moms appeared first on Time For Families.


Source: Time for Families

Gay dads may be more involved in their children’s lives

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Child health outcomes

Kentucky family court judge W. Mitchell Nance says he refuses to hold hearings on same-sex couples’ adoptions “as a matter of conscience.”

He’s not the only authority defying the 2015 Supreme Court ruling that made marriage equality the law of the land. So-called “religious freedom” bills in Texas, South Dakota and Alabama could let private adoption agencies discriminate against same-sex couples. When pressed on the question, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos recently refused to tell lawmakers whether she believes the federal government should deny government funds to schools that discriminate against the children of LGBT parents – or LGBT students.more gay couples are embracing surrogacy

Maybe these officials, judges and lawmakers should check out the research on how gay parents differ from straight parents. So far, most of this scholarship has focused on the social, emotional and cognitive outcomes of children they raise. (Spoiler alert: These kids turn out fine.)

As a former teacher who now researches gay dads and their families while pursuing a doctorate in education, I am studying how the growing number of men married to other men are raising their children. So far, I’m finding few differences between them and their straight peers of similar socioeconomic status – especially regarding their children’s schooling.

A growing population

Since the Census Bureau estimates but does not count the number of households headed by two fathers, it’s hard to track them.

Plans were taking shape for the Census Bureau to begin counting same-sex-parented households in 2020. They seem unlikely to move forward due to recent budget cuts, the census director’s recent resignation and the political climate.

Nevertheless, The American Community Survey, the Census Bureau’s ongoing demographic survey of approximately three million households, already follows same-sex parenting. It estimates that in 2015, almost 40,000 two-dad households were raising children, compared to about 30,000 in 2010.

Parenting roles

How do parents in these families settle into specific roles? In short, just like heterosexual parents do.

Research suggests that affluent, white, two-father households adhere to traditional parenting roles. One is the primary breadwinner, while the other earns either less income or none at all and handles most of the caregiving and chores.

However, two-dad households can challenge the 1940s Norman Rockwell image of gendered parenting – just like heterosexual couples can.

Households with two fathers working full-time rely on daycare facilities, babysitters, housekeepers and nearby relatives for support. Some of these men even take on responsibilities based on skills and strengths, rather than who fits the socially and culturally constructed mold of being more “motherly” or “fatherly.”

Community and school engagement

And that’s where the parenting of gay dads may differ from a traditional heterosexual household, as my research and the work of other scholars suggests.

While interviewing and spending time with 20 two-dad families living in the Northeast for my current study, I have learned that they’re apt to step up. Many become involved as classroom parents, voluntarily assisting teachers, reading books or leading singalongs. Some take leadership roles by becoming active PTA members or organizing events that go beyond their children’s classes. In some cases, gay fathers become PTA presidents or serve on school boards.

Like all civically engaged parents, gay fathers support their local museums and libraries and enroll their kids in camps and extracurricular activities. They sometimes do additional volunteer work for social justice groups.

CBSNews.com by Andrew Leland – June 5, 2017

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Source: Time for Families

Gay man says church members beat, choked him for hours to expel ‘homosexual demons’

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Matthew Fenner was leaving a Sunday prayer service in January 2013 when a group of church members surrounded him.

As he told police, a church leader and more than 20 other members of the Word of Faith Fellowship — based in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Spindale, N.C. — repeatedly punched, beat and knocked him down for about two hours. At one point, someone grabbed him by the throat and shook him, he said.

That attacks took place “to break me free of the homosexual demons they so viciously despise,” Fenner, who identifies as gay, told television station WSPA a year later. After the episode, he left the fellowship.conversion therapy

In December 2014, a minister and four members of the Rutherford County church were indicted on charges that they kidnapped, beat and strangled Fenner, then 21. They pleaded not guilty.

And on Thursday, Fenner was the first person to testify in the trial of Brooke Covington, 58, the church minister accused of leading the alleged kidnapping and assault of Fenner on that day, more than four years ago. She is the first of five church members to face trial in the case, the Associated Press reported. If convicted, she faces up to two years in prison.

Fenner said he thought he was “going to die” while the church members beat and choked him. He accused Covington of telling him, “God said there is something wrong in your life.”

“I’m frail and in my mind, I’m thinking, ‘Is my neck going to break, am I going to die?’” Fenner said, adding he had cancer as a child and underwent a biopsy a week before the attack took place, the Associated Press reported.

When Fenner brought the allegations three years ago, it was not the first time the church had been accused of beating members over their sexual orientation. Two years earlier, former church member Michael Lowry said he was beaten and held against his will at the church as an effort to eliminate his gay demons.

Lowry testified before a grand jury, but about a year later, the same month Fenner says he was beaten and strangled, Lowry rejoined Word of Faith and took back his allegations. He has since left the church, and later said in a statement that his original claims are true.

The Word of Faith, opened by Jane and Sam Whaley in 1979 in a former steakhouse, began with a handful of followers and grew to a 750-member congregation in North Carolina. Eventually another 2,000 members would join affiliated churches in Brazil, Ghana and other countries.

June 2, 2017 – Washington Post by Samantha Schmidt

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Source: Time for Families